I just cut my nipple shaving
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Randomize
