i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
