mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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