Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
