Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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