I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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