I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Randomize
