lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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