I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
