plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
