I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
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