neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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