there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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