Cold hands, warm shart.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
