I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
