Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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