apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
