does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I bet he comes in French.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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