I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
