I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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