hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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