im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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