Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
