Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
