the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
