you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?