I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.