Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
