Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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