Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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