i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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