so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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