I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
