1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
