$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
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She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
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apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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