The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
