Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
