You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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