I'm going to jail i love you
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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