you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
