I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Randomize
