Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
