I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Randomize
