Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
