Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
