I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize