Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
