you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
