All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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