we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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