I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
