Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
