Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Randomize
