the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
