Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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