I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
