see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
