I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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