There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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