dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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