WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
