Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Randomize
